For months we've been attempting to track down the secrets of Obama's elusive history.  I'm pleased to say that sources at the deli down the street from me have made a breakthrough, and they've finally discovered the true identity of Mr. Obama.

Here's the proof: not long ago, Obama spoke to an audience in Cairo, which I'm told is the place the nazis go to in the first Indiana Jones movie.  That's enough right there, people!  Deli researchers are working around the clock to examine VHS tapes, and we're confident we'll find Obama shooting at Indy somewhere in the footage.  More importantly, though, Obama rebuked deniers of the holocaust by asserting that it did, in fact, happen. 

Think about it, though.  Obama was born in 1961...or rather, so he claims.  But the holocaust and World War II happened in....dun dun dun....the 40s!!!!  How could Obama know something for sure that happened before he was even alive, unless...

We've found the missing link, people.  How else could Obama know it happened unless he was there?

Open up your eyes, people.  We've been lied to.  Examine the footage.  Don't you see the resemblance?  Has anyone checked Obama's birth certificate for nazi symbols?  And why won't Obama submit to strip-searches?  Could he be hiding a swastika tattoo on his ass?

We're through the looking glass people.  End your blindness and wake up.  We thought we'd stopped Hitler, but he's been alive the whole time, and looking remarkably young I might add.  In any case, we must stop him now.  For America.  For the world.  For Indiana Jones.

For the children.