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Obama's Martian Roots Exposed

According to top sources at my roommate's brother's laundromat, new information proves that Obama was not only not born in this country, but is not even of this earth.  That's right, we've finally blown the lid off Obama's Martian roots.

In retrospect, can there be any doubt as to why Obama has refused to make his birth certificate available more than a couple times?  The answer is no, there cannot, and this is the only feasible explanation as to why.  Obama is and always has been a secret Martian.

According to laundromat sources, including a man behind the counter who seemed surprisingly amused as he told me this, Obama was raised on Mars by mixed-planetary parents; his father a native Martian, and his mother a Venusian.  The father schooled the mother in all the Earth-hating ways that define Mars, and Obama was put through Martian schools where he was taught to aim his laser guns at images of Earth infants.  Alas, if that were not shocking enough, it goes deeper: Martians, like most space creatures, tend to live longer than us Earth peoples, and Obama was no exception: scan the pictures, and you'll no doubt find Obama participating as a foot soldier in all of the worst attacks on America.  Martians have been attack us for centuries: Pearl Harbor, 9/11, the Spanish-American War, the San Francisco Earthquake of 1906, Woodstock '94. All of these horrific events were orchestrated by the Martians and then carefully covered up with fantastical stories of "world wars" and "natural occurrences" so we wouldn't suspect anything.  Let it not be misunderstood: no one hates America more than the Martians, who have long conspired to steal our oxygen and our oatmeal raisin cookies.

Obama's presidency is just the latest secret assault from the socialist martians.  Stand up and fight, people!  We must protect our freedom and our cookies from the alien menace, and we must reject the Earth-hating policies of Barack Jabba Obama.