1

The Two Michelles: Bachmann and Malkin the Same Person?

Ever since the past election it seems that us on the left have lost our conspiratorial mojo.  Unsubstantiated rumors and ridiculous conspiracy theories, such as the government destroying the twin towers, Bush having a "feed" device on his back during a debate, and Dick Cheney living in an underground bunker somewhere (well, that one probably was true) used to belong to us.  True, we weren't all nuts, but the tinfoil wearers were primarily in our camp during the Bush years.

Now though, it seems the job of making up ridiculous stories and rumors has been taken away from us.  With "reports" of insidious ACORN plots, Obama forging birth documents, and secret government plots to bring us towards fascism through hidden images on the Dime, a question arises: why are conservatives suddenly getting all the fun?

Well, to that I say: let's not let them!  It's time to invent another crazy story of our own.  Let's selectively pick evidence, sit in our underwear for hours on end, and obsessively post stories to the internet to prove our crazy theory!  We won't rest until our theory reaches the mainstream media (lousy Republican shills...) and is investigated by the Congress!  Let's make our voices heard!

But what should our theory be?  Well, like any crazy theory, it should be based on loose, coincidental facts strung together with a heaving bowl of bullshit poured all over them.  Which is pretty much what Michelle Malkin and Michelle Bachmann are constantly spouting anyway, so let's start with them!  Yes, the conservative firebrand commentator Malkin and Republican Representative for Minnesota's 6th are the subject of our new crazy theory: that they are secretly the same person.

Let's examine the evidence:

-Similar names: Okay, are we really supposed to believe that they just "happen" to have such shockingly similar names?  Come on, they even rhyme!  If they were on a television panel together, imagine the confusion that would occur as the hosts tried to question one of them or the other.  Speaking of which, have either of them ever appeared together on TV or in public?  Hmmm...

-Crazy theories: As stated, both of them espouse ridiculous, unsubstantiated rumors and crazy theories on a regular basis.  Malkin recently stated that she thinks a question that completely derailed Obama's health care address was somehow planted on purpose.  Bachmann thinks that ACORN - one organization of hundreds simply hired to help out with the census - is running the whole thing as part of a nefarious plot to steal our phone numbers.  Malkin has made up garbage about the AP inventing a fake sourceperson.  Bachmann once suggested that Democratic presidents seem to cause Swine Flu given that the last big outbreak was under Carter in 1976 (of course, Bachmann forgot her history; the last one outbreak was that year, but under Gerald Ford).

-Blaming the culture:  Malkin apparently hates Akon for degrading women.  Bachmann tried to have "Aladdin" banned from schools for its supposed promotion of magic and paganism.  Okay, I might give Malkin that one at least.

-Promoting violence and hate: Bachmann has stated she wants Minnesotans to be "armed and dangerous" and to "fight back" on Obama's policies, as well as that "having a revolution every now and then is a good thing."  She has also promoted McCarthyist policies and allegations against anyone who disagrees with her as being "unpatriotic." Meanwhile, despite her racial background, Malkin has gone out of her way to suggest that Japanese internment camps were just fine and dandy, and that we should be interning all Arab and Muslim Americans.

-Dark hair color: Come on, it's not like it would be difficult for Bachmann to dye that brown hair into Malkin's black hairdo!

-They won't leave us alone: Both seem to have an unquenchable need to go on TV constantly to tell the rest of us what's what.  Seriously, it's getting annoying.

-Lack of documentation: Think about it, if they aren't the same person, where's the documentation?  Have we seen enough DNA testing, kindergarten records, testimony from their first sexual partners, fingerprints, social security numbers, videos of them in the shower, flight records, library records, medication purchase receipts, and probing of every other private detail of their lives to really prove they aren't the same person?

-Where were they on the day of JFK's assassination?: Well, this just says it all.

So there you have it!  Rest assured, we won't be silenced until the world knows the truth!  We'll shout it from the rooftops until the entire internet knows the real story!

And then, truly, our revolution will begin.

2

A Rundown of Liberal and Conservative Robots

With all the talk of "liberal robots" recently, it's worth actually examining the world of manmade automatons.  As it turns out, the robotic world is actually quite diverse in its political affiliations.  The following is a heavily-researched rundown of some notable robots throughout history and their political leanings.

Robbie - Was known to shout "Danger Will Robinson!" whenever Will came too close to a Democratic spending bill.

Wall-E - A noted environmentalist, Wall-E's accomplishments included successful lobbying for several environmental protection bills in Congress, as well as single-handedly saving all life on Earth.  Unfortunately, his later presidential run would be derailed by his past affiliations with the Communist Party.

C-3PO - Hard to pin down.  Though notably adverse to armed conflict and a proponent of multi-culturalism with fluency in over six-million forms of communication, 3PO was also remarkably conservative on social issues.  Some say this conservatism was sparked by his outrage upon learning of the incestuous relationship between Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia Organa.  Speculation still continues as to whether 3PO may have been a closted, self-hating gay robot.

The Terminator - Unknown, though rumors persist that The Terminator has since disguised itself and become a governor somewhere.   Of course, that would just be silly.

R2D2 - Unlike his counterpart, R2 was a known lefty, and successfully led the movement to allow gay robots to marry.

Data - Though a noted atheist, Data was generally coy about his political opinions.  It is possible that, not having any human emotions, he never formulated any.

Dick Cheney - Despite the occasional glitch causing him to support gay marriage or admit that invading Iraq might be a mistake, Cheney has been effectively programmed as a strict neo-con.

Bender - Though soft on crime, Bender's stance on killing all humans was notably hawkish.

2

Obama's Identity: Secret Hitler

For months we've been attempting to track down the secrets of Obama's elusive history.  I'm pleased to say that sources at the deli down the street from me have made a breakthrough, and they've finally discovered the true identity of Mr. Obama.

Here's the proof: not long ago, Obama spoke to an audience in Cairo, which I'm told is the place the nazis go to in the first Indiana Jones movie.  That's enough right there, people!  Deli researchers are working around the clock to examine VHS tapes, and we're confident we'll find Obama shooting at Indy somewhere in the footage.  More importantly, though, Obama rebuked deniers of the holocaust by asserting that it did, in fact, happen. 

Think about it, though.  Obama was born in 1961...or rather, so he claims.  But the holocaust and World War II happened in....dun dun dun....the 40s!!!!  How could Obama know something for sure that happened before he was even alive, unless...

We've found the missing link, people.  How else could Obama know it happened unless he was there?

Open up your eyes, people.  We've been lied to.  Examine the footage.  Don't you see the resemblance?  Has anyone checked Obama's birth certificate for nazi symbols?  And why won't Obama submit to strip-searches?  Could he be hiding a swastika tattoo on his ass?

We're through the looking glass people.  End your blindness and wake up.  We thought we'd stopped Hitler, but he's been alive the whole time, and looking remarkably young I might add.  In any case, we must stop him now.  For America.  For the world.  For Indiana Jones.

For the children.

3

Stop throwing around words like 'Socialism' and 'Fascism'

Recently, in political...let's generously call it "discussion," I've seen a lot of people on the internet and various talking heads on the ol' video box throwing around words like "socialism" and "fascism" as if they have almost any relevance at all to current American politics. Usually, they are applied to our President, Mr. Obama.

Now, I am no blind supporter of the current administration. Keeping "rendition" is pretty questionable. Failing (so far) to pursue prosecution for criminal behavior in the last administration is pretty questionable. Giving tons of money to the banks instead of people is pretty questionable. Not that I suddenly hate the guy, and I think the administration has done a lot of good as well, but I think there is room for constructive - even harsh - criticism of the administration as long as it comes from an intellectually honest place, and it doesn't just have to center on those items I listed either (which I realize largely fall under the category of "he's not liberal enough").

But the whole socialism and fascism thing is just really stupid. Now, I'm no expert in political theory, but as I tend to understand the political spectrum, there are a few truths that bear stating:

-Socialism is on the "liberal" end; as such, the Democratic party is closer to socialism than the Republican party is.

-Fascism is on the "conservative" end; as such, the Republican party is closer to fascism than the Democratic party is.

-Both parties are far closer to EACH OTHER (and the middle of spectrum) than they are to either socialism or fascism, which are at far extreme ends; indeed, neither is remotely close to either true socialism or true fascism.

-For that matter, fascism and socialism are not the same thing at all, and certainly do not go hand in hand.

Even Fox News star Glenn Beck, for all his paranoia, stupidity, and probable diagnosable insanity, at least understood this when he "corrected" himself on his assertion that Obama is marching us towards socialism; he understood, as he asserted that Obama is in fact leading us towards fascism, that there is a clear difference between the two. He's also prone to random crying spells, believes Woodrow Wilson inserted secret symbols into the dime to make us all fascist, and once claimed to hate the families of 9/11 victims' families for being sooooo upset by the deaths of their loved ones. But I digress.

Unfortunately, a lot of people entering the political discourse recently aren't quite as knowledgeable as Glenny boy, and believe (if their signs at "teabagging" rallies are any indication) that both are in fact one in the same. Not to mention, they don't seem to understand the distinctions between recent government policies and either the socialist or fascist extremes.

Perhaps more troublingly, they also don't seem to understand a little thing called "strategy." We on the left have finally found our groove again recently, but don't you guys remember what we were like just a few years ago? Arguably, one of the reasons the left failed to convince those on the fence about the Iraq war to join our side is that just enough dumbasses decide to show up at otherwise peaceful rallies and burn flags, wave "Bush=Hitler" signs, and sport fashionable "Anarchy" symbols on their t-shirts. They were perfectly within their rights to do such things, but they didn't seem to understand how this would play on news outlets that would choose to zero in on them. Other movements have been just as troubled. Even many animal lovers like myself (I spend every Saturday caring for homeless pets at a shelter) don't care for PETA because they choose to hurl fake blood at people and generally act like morons. Religious groups that show bloody pictures of dead infants just revolt people (often out with their own children) who might otherwise be sympathetic.

And now, we have the people equating a slight increase in the taxation of the wealthy as a move towards totalitarianism (or, they would if they could actually spell "totalitarianism"). They've got all the requisite rage, but not the ability to articulate their positions in an intelligent way that would be worth discussing. And they (however unintentionally) discredit the more intelligent people out there who might otherwise side with them, not to mention alienate anyone else who might otherwise be willing to engage with them.

So rightists: get out there and speak your viewpoints. Debate, discuss, and maybe even protest to make your voices heard. Enjoy some delicious tea. But remember that not long ago we on the left looked like the loony, unorganized, and outright hateful group that some of your lesser members are making you look like now. We had to join together, form a real agenda, and improve the quality of our discourse to get where we are here in 2009.

And for god's sake, stop saying "fascist" and "socialist" every five seconds. It makes you look like morons.

4

Obama's Martian Roots Exposed

According to top sources at my roommate's brother's laundromat, new information proves that Obama was not only not born in this country, but is not even of this earth.  That's right, we've finally blown the lid off Obama's Martian roots.

In retrospect, can there be any doubt as to why Obama has refused to make his birth certificate available more than a couple times?  The answer is no, there cannot, and this is the only feasible explanation as to why.  Obama is and always has been a secret Martian.

According to laundromat sources, including a man behind the counter who seemed surprisingly amused as he told me this, Obama was raised on Mars by mixed-planetary parents; his father a native Martian, and his mother a Venusian.  The father schooled the mother in all the Earth-hating ways that define Mars, and Obama was put through Martian schools where he was taught to aim his laser guns at images of Earth infants.  Alas, if that were not shocking enough, it goes deeper: Martians, like most space creatures, tend to live longer than us Earth peoples, and Obama was no exception: scan the pictures, and you'll no doubt find Obama participating as a foot soldier in all of the worst attacks on America.  Martians have been attack us for centuries: Pearl Harbor, 9/11, the Spanish-American War, the San Francisco Earthquake of 1906, Woodstock '94. All of these horrific events were orchestrated by the Martians and then carefully covered up with fantastical stories of "world wars" and "natural occurrences" so we wouldn't suspect anything.  Let it not be misunderstood: no one hates America more than the Martians, who have long conspired to steal our oxygen and our oatmeal raisin cookies.

Obama's presidency is just the latest secret assault from the socialist martians.  Stand up and fight, people!  We must protect our freedom and our cookies from the alien menace, and we must reject the Earth-hating policies of Barack Jabba Obama.